User:Foul Bane/Funny

Thx to Bob Dolan For Many 0f These

One day they are walking together past the White House when they hear the voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help."
 * Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC.

Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence, and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Bill Clinton, drowning in the White House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool, then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving his life.

After a few minutes, Clinton says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved my life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as long as it is within my power as President!"

The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an appointment?"

"You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!"

Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis. Can you get me in?"

"You bet I can," said the President. "I'll sign the papers for it this afternoon, too."

After a few moments more, the third fellow said, "I'd like to know, can you get me buried in Arlington National Cemetery?"

Clinton, a bit startled, thought for a second or two, then said, "Sure, but tell me, aren't you awfully young to be thinking about such things?"

"Nope," replied the remaining fellow. "Because when I get home and tell my old man what I did today, he's going to kill me!"

doctor to give him a strong sedative. The doctor obliged, but told him to take only half of the prescribed pill. To make sure he slept, Al took a whole pill and went to sleep.
 * Al was finding it difficult to sleep at night. He begged the

As dawn came up, Al awoke. He felt refreshed. Cheerful, he went to work. As he walked into the office, he saw the boss and said, "I'm ready. I slept like a log.  I jumped out of bed like a kid this morning."

The boss said, "Nice. But where were you yesterday?"

tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face:
 * This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some

doctor: "Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news".

guy:   "Well, give me the really bad news first"

doctor: "You have cancer, and only 6 months to live"

guy:   "And the bad news?"

doctor: "You have Alzheimer's disease."

guy:   "Thank god. I was afraid I had cancer!"

first idiot said to his companion, "I'll bet you $5 that No. 2 will win the race." The second idiot agreed to the bet, and the horse won.
 * Two idiots went into a movie theater to see a horse race film. The

After the movie, the first idiot said, "I have a confession to make,

I saw the movie yesterday."

The other idiot replied, "So did I, but I didn't think he would win twice in a row."

that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office?  I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
 * A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement

the wife exploded, "If it weren't for my money, this house wouldn't be here!" The husband replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
 * A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally

decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think.
 * Life Insurance Agent: Don't let me frighten you into a

being executed right and left.
 * It was just after the Revolution in France in 1814, and people were

"Hear ye, hear ye! Today we have a triple feature: an atheist, a priest, and a computer programmer!" "Huzzah! Huzzah!"

The executioner said to the atheist, "We're having a special today: you can go to your Maker face up or face down. What will it be?"

Atheist says, "I don't believe there *is* a Maker. Send me face down."

So the executioner pulls the lever, and the guillotine drops, but just before it gets to him, it stops in mid-air. "A *miracle*!" the crowd shouts! So they let him go free.

He turns to the priest. "Face up or face down?" "Oh, I'm too humble to go face up," he says. So they put him in face down, and pull the lever. It falls, but stops before it hits him. "*Another* miracle!" the crowd shouts, and they let him go free.

The executioner turns to computer programmer, asks "Face up or face down?" "I've always been a curious guy," he says. "Let me go face up." They put him in, reach over to pull the lever, and he says, "Wait a minute! I see what the problem is: you've got a kink in that rope up there."

of birds, aided by a dog named Salesman. Next year he returned and asked for Salesman again. "The hound ain't no durn good now," the handler said. "What happened!" cried the sportsman. "Was he injured?" "No. Some fool came down here and called him `Sales Manager' all week instead of Salesman.  Now all he does is sit on his tail and bark."
 * A sportsman went to a hunting lodge and bagged a record number

When the smoke gets out, the computer stops working.
 * Computers run because they have smoke built into them.

The pope walked out and was about to get into the car when he said to his driver, "You know, I've always wanted to drive one of these things. The driver said, "You go ahead and drive it, your excellency." So the pope goes up to the driver's side door, gets in and drives away. A little while later, a cop pulls him over for speeding. So, he rolls down the window and waits for the cop to come over.
 * A man drove up to the pope's house one day in a long stretch limo.

"Yes?" the pope asks. "Uhh... you were speeding," the cop says.

He didn't expect the pope, I'll tell you that.

"Well then I have to have a ticket, now don't I, my son?" "Uhh... wait just a minute, your excellency, I'll be back."

So the cop, who by the way, was a rookie, walked back to his car and picked up the radio. The dispatch said, "Hello?" "I need Sergeant Jones." So the dispatcher lady transferred him, and the rookie said, "I need some help."

"Well, speak up, son!" the Sergeant said, "I haven't got all day, you know!"

"Yes sir. But I pulled someone over who I don't know if I should give a ticket to." "Why not?" the Sergeant asked, "if he was speeding, then he needs to have a ticket. "But this person is REALLY important." "Is it the mayor?" "No," "Is it the governor?" "No, it isn't," the rookie replied. "Is it a senator? A representative?" "No, more important than those people." "Is it the president?" "No, still more important that him." "Then who is it?" "I dunno," the rookie replied, "But the pope is chauffeuring him!"


 * A will is a dead giveaway.


 * He who buys a mobile home doesn't get a lot.