User:Dr ishmael/Scuzzyboo

Dr Ishmael: the man, the myth, the legend.

This is a fictional biography of Dr Ishmael, written in 1999 by The Brutish Celt, a friend of mine in high school.

The man

 * Born: 13/32/1981
 * Occupation: Game Show Host in Belgravia
 * Favorite Food: Macaroni & Squid

The myth
"Personally, I feel myself to be the greatest chicken king ever born, but you would not understand (unless you have been a chicken king yourself)."


 * Selected Quotes:
 * Pedro smash!
 * Big Chicken is watching you...
 * Run, he's got a ...! Oh, never mind, it's just his spleen.

The legend
Dr Ishmael, known on Tatooine as Ishtâruselgôsamirus, and known in Middle-Earth as Ish-Gûl, the new ruler of Mordor, has led a long and fulfilling life for someone just twenty years of age. His first success was the invention of the plow, which was followed by his commitment to an 18th century mental institution after claiming to have traveled with Jesus. When asked which apostle he was, he replied, "The thirteenth, of course." Later on, he led the Populist Party for three weeks.

With an offhand barroom comment, he encouraged Thomas Edison to step up his efforts on a perpetual motion machine. After seeing the results, Dr Ishmael was quoted as saying, "I don't see what all the fuss is about. It just keeps going faster and faster." He then smashed the contraption with a whiskey bottle and got into a fist fight with Mr. Edison. He spent three days in jail, where he constructed the first electric motor out of three gum wrappers, two and a half paper clips, and a small potato. On his release, he went on safari and hunted the dodo bird to extinction with his pack of tasmanian tigers.

In a bout of boredom, he started the Fire of London in 1666. Later, while giving a lecture at Rutgers, he pioneered the field of Epistemology, a decision he soon recanted. He then served as the Supreme Soviet of Estonia until it left the USSR. Three weeks later, he was awarded the Croix de guerre for his efforts in the French and Indian War. Still sore from the pin, he stood waiting for the Hindenburg. As a joke, he pulled out a straw and readied a spitwad. While he was waiting, the spitwad dried out. In an unfortunate freak accident, the spitwad sparked off the side of the zepellin and caused it to burst into flames. Dr Ishmael then ran into the forest, screaming like a little girl. There, he lived with Bigfoot and the Jersey Devil for three years, during which he drew up the plans for Washington, D.C.

In June of '89, he went on a relaxing cruise and killed Moby Dick with an assault rifle. His most recent exploit was to go over Victoria Falls in a raincoat (and nothing else). He currently resides in a van down by the river in Belgravia with a three-headed monkey, a blue gnome, and a musclebound, dimwit elf named Pedro.