User:Entropy/missions

Mission List
This is a list of trivia, tasks, and other things which you may complete on your idle time to please me and boost your cultural literacy. As a reward for your efforts, I will dig up something out of my vast archives of Memorable Quotes, Stories, and Other Things to share. The harder the challenge (1 easy, 5 daunting), the better the reward...though you are free to disagree, of course.

All missions have been completed.


 * Checking (some halp plz?)

((((((42+7-110)*99,999,999)+7)^Candles)/(20+60) ...Finally found the FF weapon. only missed it before because I was looking at normal FF games, and totally skiped over FF Legend II. Ended up downloading 100mil digits of pi and found 7. Having a hard time with the candles ... My only access to the queen's room is through Youtube videos, and it's hard to get a good count due to fast camera movement and crappy framerate ... Total equation (before Candle input, but whatever); (-6099999932^candles)/80 Someone finish it ... In doing this, I've had to download and sort through 100mil digits of pi, sort through 21 Final Fantasy full item lists, gotten an oddly bad (bad meaning crappy) virus that somehow got through my defenses, and download a new malware program to remove said virus. --Totally Imbalanced 23:34, 27 August 2008 (UTC)


 * Completed

-Mission completed by Felix Omni, Mendel; Answer: Diamonds to Dust - Gurf Morlix

It was April the 41st, Being a quadruple leap year. I was driving in down-town Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, So I was in a rented stingray -- and it was over-heating. So, I pulled into a Shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private        life out of it, okay pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the Dolphins I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring. -- Kip Adotta, "Wet Dream"

-Mission completed by Randomtime; Answer: Calvin and Hobbes

This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning. During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer." Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening weeks, he nontheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.

-Mission pretty much completed by Vipermagi with a clever assist by Felix Omni; Answer: Sand

Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I gonna back to Italy.

-Mission completed by Dr Ishmael; Answer: Special:Allmessages

Now, it we had this sort of thing: yield -a    for yield to all traffic yield -t    for yield to trucks yield -f    for yield to people walking (yield foot) yield -d t* for yield on days starting with t ...you'd have a lot of dead people at intersections, and traffic jams you wouldn't believe... (Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands.)

-Mission completed by Felix Omni; Answer: Time

"Do you like what you doth see...?" said the volumptuous elf-maiden as she provocatively parted the folds of her robe to reveal the rounded, shadowy glories within. Frito's throat was dry, though his head reeled with desire and ale. She slipped off the flimsy garment and strode toward the fascinated boggie unashamed of her nakedness. She ran a perfect hand along his hairy toes, and he helplessly watched them curl with the fierce insistent wanting of her. "Let me make thee more comfortable," she whispered hoarsely, fiddling with the clasps of his jerkin, loosening his sword belt with a laugh. "Touch me, oh touch me," she crooned. Frito's hand, as though of its own will, reached out and traced the delicate swelling of her elf-breast, while the other slowly crept around her tiny, flawless waist, crushing her to  his barrel chest. "Toes, I love hairy toes," she moaned, forcing him down on the silvered carpet. Her tiny, pink toes caressed the luxuriant fur of his instep while Frito's nose sought out the warmth of her precious elf-navel. "But I'm so small and hairy, and...and you're so beautiful," Frito whimpered, slipping clumsily out of his crossed garters. The elf-maiden said nothing, but only sighed deep in her throat and held him more firmly to her faunlike body. "There is one thing you must do for me first," she whispered into one tufted ear. "Anything," sobbed Frito, growing frantic with his need. "Anything!" She closed her eyes and then opened them to the ceiling. "The Ring," she said. "I must have your Ring." Frito's whole body tensed. "Oh no," he cried, "not that! Anything but...that." "I must have it," she said both tenderly and fiercely. "I must have the Ring!" Frito's eyes blurred with tears and confusion. "I can't," he said. "I mustn't!" But he knew resolve was no longer strong in him. Slowly, the elf-maiden's hand inched toward the chain in his vest pocket, closer and closer it came to the Ring Frito had guarded so faithfully... --Preface to The Harvard Lampoon's immortal parody, "Bored of the Rings"

-Mission completed by Silver Sunlight; Answer: Spider web

inspirational: A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,        go I.") adapts to stress: Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the situation. goal oriented: Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails to meet them.

-Mission completed by Silver Sunlight; Answer: The moon

IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or    equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to     spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it        inevitably unsuccessful. V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an        adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to         the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a        character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of         altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980

-Mission completed by Silver Sunlight; Answer: Hair

Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists. Experimental psychologists think they're biologists. Biologists think they're biochemists. Biochemists think they're chemists. Chemists think they're physical chemists. Physical chemists think they're physicists. Physicists think they're theoretical physicists. Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians. Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians. Metamathematicians think they're philosophers. Philosophers think they're gods.

-Mission completed by Felix Omni; Answer: Clock

I went out to the hazel wood, Because a fire was in my head, And cut and peeled a hazel wand, And hooked a berry to a thread; And when white moths were on the wing, And moth-like stars were flickering out, I dropped the berry in a stream And caught a little silver trout. When I had laid it on the floor I went to blow the fire aflame, But something rustled on the floor, And some one called me by my name: It had become a glimmering girl With apple blossom in her hair Who called me by my name and ran And faded through the brightening air. ... Though I am old with wandering Through hollow lands and hilly lands, I will find out where she has gone, And kiss her lips and take her hands; And walk among long dappled grass, And pluck till time and times are done The silver apples of the moons, The golden apples of the sun. -- "The Song of Wandering Aengus", by W. B. Yeats

-Mission completion awarded to Himm Taeguk. Proof is invisible but suitable.

Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge. The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge asked, pointing at the first girl. "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied. "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked. "Your honor, I'm an actress." "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about you?" he demanded. "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been laid off." "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence. Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein, arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do for a living?" "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..."

An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about the happiness of life. "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night Football," the American said. "You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life." "You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this.  You are sleeping soundly at night in Saigon.  Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front door.  You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'.  Quaking with fear, you rush out and open the door.  Right there, you see two secret policemen ready to handcuff you.  One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities.  You are being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!'  Sweating profusely and shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh lives next door.'  That moment is happiness in life, my friends."

-Mission completed by Powersurge360; Answer: Scotch

Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with the other. -- Jules Feiffer

-Mission completed by PossessedLinebeck with flying colors.

Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice." "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2. "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well, open the first one.  That'll give you some advice on what to do.  And, if after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And with a gasp Stalin breathed his last. Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems -- unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system. But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter. All it said was: "Write two letters."

-Mission completed by the bunny, Amazing job! Answer: "Wild geese fly overhead. // They wrench my heart. // They were our friends in the old days." - Li Ching Chao (sp?), "Autumn Love"

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. The housewife replied, "Four!". The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spread sheet one more time." The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?        "Have you lived here all your life?"         "Oh, twice that long."

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you." -- Rodney Dangerfield

Sushido, n.: The way of the tuna.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. -- Will Rogers

greenrd's law Evey post disparaging someone else's spelling or grammar, or lauding one's own spelling or grammar, will inevitably contain a spelling or        grammatical error. -- greenrd in http://www.kuro5hin.org/comments/2002/4/16/61744/5230?pid=5#6

FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN:   #4 consistent: Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year. an excellent sounding board: Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification. a planner and organizer: Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the animal tags on his clothing.

Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection unprotected. -- Robert Orben

Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said, "Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right time comes, I am going to be that one." A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others. All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with all his might. "Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"

"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks," the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?" "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank, the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks. The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed like twenty more gallons of water. The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God, man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!" The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the bricks."

"I don't know whether God exists or not, but it makes no difference to me." "It's not like He's passing out free money or anything." -- Townsperson in Estard, Dragon Warrior VII

They found Noah's ark, but there was a sign on it: 'Made in Hong Kong'

"There was only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of a bitch, you ate five of them." -- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for cannibalism in 1874.

"About half." [Pope John XXIII, when asked how many people work in the Vatican, from Gordon Thomas & Max Morgan-Witts, "Pontiff", p. 337]

America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. wife. They approve. The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and screams: "Anybody got a match?"

And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?"

Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguements, you don't.  QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. -- D. Adams

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. -- Samuel Goldwyn

If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible. We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".

Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.

Damn, I need a Coke! -- Dr. William DeVries [after implanting the first artificial human heart]

(1) If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't. (2) If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. (3) Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. (4) It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. (5) Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. (6) Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. (7) Jon Gotti Always has the right of way. (8) Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs. (9) Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails. (10) The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors". -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"

The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it. For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was horrified! Then came the children's lesson. For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table. The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against the table as the children gathered around him. He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" There was total silence. He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" Total silence. Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."

Some people call them "cars" or "trucks;" I call them "dimensional transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into two-dimensional ones. -- F. Frederick Skitty

THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: (1) Where's the bathroom? (2) What time does the parade start? (3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it? CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.

Q:     What do you call a dog with no legs? A:     What does it matter? He can't come anyway. [I've got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette. Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.] A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously: "Have you seen my parakeet?" A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around *Boston*." "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian. "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"

A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?" "Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!" The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," he says. Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps, "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!" NEWSFLASH!! Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. It was. Age 31. State license plates we'd like to see: MICHIGAN                               CALIFORNIA 4-GET 74-77                             EGO-MN-E-X EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD  THE SERIAL KILLER STATE NORTH CAROLINA                         NEW JERSEY WL-GOLLY                              ARG GGH HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS     FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE KANSAS                               WASHINGTON DC           TOTO -2                               $10000000 ETC THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ    WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810 MOVIE STATE socialism: You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour. communism: You have two cows. Give both to the government. The government gives you milk. capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one cow and buy a bull. fascism: You have two cows. Give milk to the government. The government sells it. nazism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes the cows. New Dealism: You have two cows. The government shoots one cow, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. anarchism: You have two cows. Keep them. Steal another. Shoot the government. conservatism: You have two cows. Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows. Readers Ask: Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun? Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If a professional exterminater specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First, driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire, and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness. Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad (i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again. Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar. After assiduously pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian. Confused, he asks her what that means. "Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?" "Yeah..." "I'd like to walk over to her, and unbutton her blouse." "Yeah..." "And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..." "Right! Right!" interrupts the guy. "I think I'm a lesbian too!" God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else in the vicinity. However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the turkeys who buy such bumper stickers. Of course, God understands that innocent bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits, for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette without breaking eggs. God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming (hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with. But God knows full well that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than expected, and may be with us for a long time yet. ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, was propounded to me by my father: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. "A herring," said my father. "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" "So hang it there." "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. "Paint it." "But a herring isn't wet." "If it's just painted it's still wet." "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "a herring doesn't whistle!!" "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard." -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"

-Mission completed by Entrea Sumatae; Answer: `, you don't use the shift key to type it (unless caps lock is on).

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-Mission completed by Progger and Vipermagi after weeks of crunching numbers. May their fame live on forever! See Image:1337damage.jpg and Image:1337 Domoges.jpg.

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and some British authority. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95. BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision. BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course. AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. BRITS: We are a lighthouse. Fuck off. NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. All code is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction surfaces, cosmic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices, premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, and/or frogs falling from the sky. The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. -- Steven Wright Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. -- Laurence J. Peter The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about. Self Test for Paranoia: You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's your own fault. If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! -- Mr. Interesting There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar Meskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to        do it over. Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway. "Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom; Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love; Love is not music; Music is the best." -- Frank Zappa You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas. Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.)  We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972 Q:     What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? A:     The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. Q:     How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A:     Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a        maudlin cosmos of nothingness. Q:     How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A:     Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership. Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a dead bat? Answer: Yes. -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"