User:Entropy3927

NOTE Henceforth I officially swear that I will not partake in any kind of mediation, conflict resolution, diplomatic efforts, et cetera. When I use any of my sysop/bureaucrat powers, it will be to ban, delete, protect, or manage rights/promotion/demotion. And only if no one else is available. (T/C) 11:54, 13 August 2008 (UTC)

Mission List
This is a list of trivia, tasks, and other things which you may complete on your idle time to please me and boost your cultural literacy. As a reward for your efforts, I will dig up something out of my vast archives of Memorable Quotes, Stories, and Other Things to share. The harder the challenge (1 easy, 5 daunting), the better the reward...though you are free to disagree, of course.


 * Open


 * Completed

-Mission completed by Felix Omni, Mendel; Answer: Diamonds to Dust - Gurf Morlix

It was April the 41st, Being a quadruple leap year. I was driving in down-town Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, So I was in a rented stingray -- and it was over-heating. So, I pulled into a Shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private        life out of it, okay pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the Dolphins I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring. -- Kip Adotta, "Wet Dream"

-Mission completed by Randomtime; Answer: Calvin and Hobbes

This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning. During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer." Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening weeks, he nontheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.

-Mission pretty much completed by Vipermagi with a clever assist by Felix Omni; Answer: Sand

Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I gonna back to Italy.

-Mission completed by Dr Ishmael; Answer: Special:Allmessages

Now, it we had this sort of thing: yield -a    for yield to all traffic yield -t    for yield to trucks yield -f    for yield to people walking (yield foot) yield -d t* for yield on days starting with t ...you'd have a lot of dead people at intersections, and traffic jams you wouldn't believe... (Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands.)

-Mission completed by Felix Omni; Answer: Time

"Do you like what you doth see...?" said the volumptuous elf-maiden as she provocatively parted the folds of her robe to reveal the rounded, shadowy glories within. Frito's throat was dry, though his head reeled with desire and ale. She slipped off the flimsy garment and strode toward the fascinated boggie unashamed of her nakedness. She ran a perfect hand along his hairy toes, and he helplessly watched them curl with the fierce insistent wanting of her. "Let me make thee more comfortable," she whispered hoarsely, fiddling with the clasps of his jerkin, loosening his sword belt with a laugh. "Touch me, oh touch me," she crooned. Frito's hand, as though of its own will, reached out and traced the delicate swelling of her elf-breast, while the other slowly crept around her tiny, flawless waist, crushing her to  his barrel chest. "Toes, I love hairy toes," she moaned, forcing him down on the silvered carpet. Her tiny, pink toes caressed the luxuriant fur of his instep while Frito's nose sought out the warmth of her precious elf-navel. "But I'm so small and hairy, and...and you're so beautiful," Frito whimpered, slipping clumsily out of his crossed garters. The elf-maiden said nothing, but only sighed deep in her throat and held him more firmly to her faunlike body. "There is one thing you must do for me first," she whispered into one tufted ear. "Anything," sobbed Frito, growing frantic with his need. "Anything!" She closed her eyes and then opened them to the ceiling. "The Ring," she said. "I must have your Ring." Frito's whole body tensed. "Oh no," he cried, "not that! Anything but...that." "I must have it," she said both tenderly and fiercely. "I must have the Ring!" Frito's eyes blurred with tears and confusion. "I can't," he said. "I mustn't!" But he knew resolve was no longer strong in him. Slowly, the elf-maiden's hand inched toward the chain in his vest pocket, closer and closer it came to the Ring Frito had guarded so faithfully... --Preface to The Harvard Lampoon's immortal parody, "Bored of the Rings"

-Mission completed by Silver Sunlight; Answer: Spider web

inspirational: A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,        go I.") adapts to stress: Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the situation. goal oriented: Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails to meet them.

-Mission completed by Silver Sunlight; Answer: The moon

IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or    equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to     spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it        inevitably unsuccessful. V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an        adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to         the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a        character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of         altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980

-Mission completed by Silver Sunlight; Answer: Hair

Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists. Experimental psychologists think they're biologists. Biologists think they're biochemists. Biochemists think they're chemists. Chemists think they're physical chemists. Physical chemists think they're physicists. Physicists think they're theoretical physicists. Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians. Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians. Metamathematicians think they're philosophers. Philosophers think they're gods.

-Mission completed by Felix Omni; Answer: Clock

I went out to the hazel wood, Because a fire was in my head, And cut and peeled a hazel wand, And hooked a berry to a thread; And when white moths were on the wing, And moth-like stars were flickering out, I dropped the berry in a stream And caught a little silver trout. When I had laid it on the floor I went to blow the fire aflame, But something rustled on the floor, And some one called me by my name: It had become a glimmering girl With apple blossom in her hair Who called me by my name and ran And faded through the brightening air. ... Though I am old with wandering Through hollow lands and hilly lands, I will find out where she has gone, And kiss her lips and take her hands; And walk among long dappled grass, And pluck till time and times are done The silver apples of the moons, The golden apples of the sun. -- "The Song of Wandering Aengus", by W. B. Yeats

-Mission completion awarded to Himm Taeguk. Proof is invisible but suitable.

Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge. The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge asked, pointing at the first girl. "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied. "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked. "Your honor, I'm an actress." "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about you?" he demanded. "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been laid off." "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence. Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein, arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do for a living?" "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..."

An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about the happiness of life. "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night Football," the American said. "You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life." "You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this.  You are sleeping soundly at night in Saigon.  Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front door.  You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'.  Quaking with fear, you rush out and open the door.  Right there, you see two secret policemen ready to handcuff you.  One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities.  You are being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!'  Sweating profusely and shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh lives next door.'  That moment is happiness in life, my friends."

-Mission completed by Powersurge360; Answer: Scotch

Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with the other. -- Jules Feiffer

-Mission completed by PossessedLinebeck with flying colors.

Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice." "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2. "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well, open the first one.  That'll give you some advice on what to do.  And, if after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And with a gasp Stalin breathed his last. Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems -- unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system. But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter. All it said was: "Write two letters."