User:Entropy3927

=Facing the music= ipzR9bhei_o <- The music.

Alright, you've all been waiting, so listen up. Here's the true facts of the matter.

I lied. To everyone.

There was no hacker; never was. (If you don't know what I am talking about, you are not missing anything, so don't worry about it.) I made up that stupid story out of fear and cowardice. I was afraid to come back, "tail between my legs", after what I'd said and done... It would have been such a great excuse if it was true, so easy to dismiss everything and say it's not so, but that is not the case. It was me the whole time...the same person whose words you are reading now. I wasn't sleep-deprived, I wasn't stoned, I wasn't drunk...I was not having a schizophrenic, bipolar, or other mental breakdown. Depression and loneliness? Frustration? Anger? Maybe a bit. But all in all, I was in an able mind, and I have no excuses to fall back on. So I am admitting the truth.

I said that I'd never come back. That was a lie, too. Giga put it well...when you devote yourself to something so much, it becomes a part of your life, and you can't just walk away from it. It will always be there, and to try and abruptly remove it is foolhardy madness. It is the kind of action that an emotional, sensitive, rash, impulsive person would take if they were frustrated and fed up with everything. It's the kind of thing I would do...and have done in the past.

To put it simply, I had a bad day. And I chose to take it out on GuildWiki.

Entrea once said that I am "just a normal person to whom we have attributed god-like traits and powers" (paraphrasing). This is very true. At the end of the day I am just as human as the rest of you...I'm no goddess, no paragon of virtue. I may indeed claim to be weaker...or perhaps I should say unstable. I'm not one of those persons who is in good control of their emotions. When I'm emo, shit like this happens. I know that "everyone has their moan and groan" once in a while, and that's tolerated, but I realize that as the de facto "mother of GuildWiki" - about as close as anyone could say to a "leader" here - things like this have much graver and serious consequences. Leaders are supposed to be people of strength; people of a sane mind and stable disposition, who will not cry and run away from their post when things are looking bad. How many times have I ragequit the wiki now, only to come back weeks or days or even hours later? At least three...if I count threats to do so, that number goes higher. That reflects very poorly on me. A normal admin, or a normal bureaucrat, would maybe get away with such things, since after all those positions of power confer but a small shadow of the "leadership" complex. (However, they would be much less liked and trusted.) The problem is that I'm something more than "just" a bureaucrat and sysop and "power user"...when I do things like this, it has far more serious implications.

I accept the responsibility and consequences of that, time and again, but that never ensures I won't do it again when provoked. I'm just not a stable person like that. You have accepted this fact for the previous mistakes...what about this time, though? I've been far worse, said harsher things, taken it to the next level of seriousness. At a certain point you just have to draw the line. Will you accept me back, even considering that?

...That is a somewhat rhetorical question, because no matter how you answer it, whether you like it or not, I'm back now. But not entirely rhetorical. I ask because I can't believe that attitudes are unchanged by all this... that after everything I've said and done, you can act as if nothing happened. In other words, I want to know if you will still grant me the post of leadership which I had in the past...I want to know if I have gone too far this time. If I'm not wanted, I will accept that, and understand... (Note that I'm not talking about bcrat/sysop in particular, though you are free to revoke those as well if you feel I am unfit for duty.)

In closing... the "Farewell Address", and other things said/written around that time, are not all 100% true and factual, and they may not even have been so at the time. I will not go over them point-by-point, but you are free to ask about any specific point of interest. I feel that I owe it to you to tell the truth; it's the least repentence I can pay for my crimes.

And of course the most important statement of all...

'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.'

I hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me one more time (I won't say it will be the last), or at the very least you will tolerate my presence here still. The Wiki is nothing without its people, and in that regard, you are all very important to me. I don't want to lose that.

(T/C) 09:36, 31 December 2008 (UTC)